Managing “Mom Guilt” and Practicing Self-Forgiveness as a Parent

Thrive • May 3, 2022

By Thrive Reno Therapist Ann Edgington, LCSW

Guilt and shame are widely experienced by caregivers of children. In a study of 2000 American parents , participants reported feeling an average of 23 pangs of guilt every single week, and 75 percent reported feeling pressure to be “perfect” from friends, family, and social media. Another study showed that compared to non-parents, parents are more likely to feel guilty about allowing themselves time for self-care. In a society that places immense expectations on parents, guilt and shame can cause caregivers to doubt their decision-making and neglect their own well-being. 

Although the term “mom guilt” singles out moms — likely due to societal norms that hold moms as the primary caregivers to their children — guilt and shame are common emotions that parents of all genders can and do experience. In this blog, we’ve used the well-known term “mom guilt” to describe any parental feelings of guilt and shame that can be felt by all caregivers, regardless of gender. 

Further, people who identify specifically as moms aren’t by any means the only individuals that can face the circumstances outlined in this blog, and neither are they the only ones who can benefit from our suggestions for mitigating guilt and shame. We hope this is a resource that can provide helpful insight to all parents and caregivers.

“MOM GUILT” AND SHAME

Caring deeply for their children and wanting the absolute best for them, almost all parents experience some level of guilt related to their caretaker roles. Parenting is overwhelming as is, but the pressure is only made worse by the current culture of parenting which can be highly judgemental, full of conflicting information, and often leaves little space for self-compassion and self-care — a perfect equation for feelings of guilt and shame.

“Mom guilt” and shame can be defined as feelings of inadequacy about meeting the demands of one’s:

  • Child(ren)
  • Relationships 
  • Household 
  • Profession
  • Oneself

In my clinical practice, many of my clients express just as much shame around being a mom as they do guilt. Guilt is feeling as if you did something bad, shame is feeling as if you are bad. When a person experiences shame, they may mistakenly feel that they’re inadequate as a parent. 

Sources of “mom guilt” and shame may be internally-fueled by expectations one had for themself before becoming a parent or externally-based on outside opinions and expectations. 

Internally, parents may be influenced by:

  • How they were raised: Many parents naturally draw on childhood memories of their own caregivers to help inform their parenting. If they feel as if the quality of their parenting falls short of these memories, they may spiral into feelings of guilt and shame. Alternatively, if they feel their caregivers didn’t meet certain physical or emotional needs, birthing parents may feel heightened pressure to provide better care than they received.
  • Internal expectations: Striving for perfection, parents may overextend themselves and feel guilty or ashamed when they aren’t able to meet their own expectations. In striving to meet these sometimes unrealistic expectations, parents may be sacrificing their own needs, desires, and well-being.
  • Desire to return to life before their babies: Birthing parents may be influenced by ideals of returning to the body image, energy levels, and activities they had before having their babies. They may misplace blame on themselves when the characteristics of their life as a birthing parent don’t match the elements of their life before child(ren).

Externally, parents may be influenced by:

  • Personal relationships: The outward expression of others’ opinions on parenting, especially when coming from loved ones, can greatly influence parents. 
  • Media: While often misleading and inaccurate, media portrayals of being a parent can have a strong influence on parents. 
  • Societal expectations for birthing parents to do it all: Unreasonable pressures for birthing parents to be responsible for and in control of all aspects of their families’ lives set birthing parents up for failure. 
  • Stigmas around being a stay-at-home parent vs. a working parent : The conflicting perspectives and judgments about being a stay-at-home parent vs. a working parent can overwhelm parents. 

Left unaddressed, guilt and shame can become so cumbersome that they impact parents’ abilities to manage activities of daily living and intensify any other mental, behavioral, and physical health struggles. 

RISK FACTORS FOR “MOM GUILT” AND SHAME 

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF “MOM GUILT” AND SHAME

  • Negative self-talk 
  • Feelings of inadequacy
  • Self-judgment
  • Heightened irritation with oneself and others 
  • Difficulty sleeping, resting, or settling down
  • Black and white thinking patterns, such as, “I’m a good parent” or “I’m a bad parent” 
  • Feelings of anxiety and depression , especially concerning one’s sense of self 
  • Always feeling like they’re not doing enough
  • Feeling selfish when meeting one’s basic needs, such as showering, eating, resting, or having alone time

EXAMPLES OF “MOM GUILT” AND SHAME

The challenges of adapting to parenthood are unique for each individual. As one assumes a new or renewed role in caring for their child(ren), it’s realistic to experience guilt and shame, especially while navigating the natural shift in priorities, energy reserves, and stress levels. As evidenced below, there are many circumstances that may evoke feelings of guilt and shame for parents as they assume new and different responsibilities.

Attention and Availability

Many parents feel guilty about not being as available or attentive to their relationships as they were before the birth of their babies. These relationships may include:

  • Their partner
  • Their older child(ren)
  • Extended family members
  • Friends
  • Employer, coworkers, or other professional relationships
  • Church community or other social groups
  • Any other relationship they previously felt a part of

Body Image and Appearance

Birthing parents also commonly feel guilty or ashamed about not looking a certain way both during and after pregnancy. There are many culturally misleading messages about what a “healthy” pregnant and postpartum body should look like. Many individuals have been exposed to these messages long before becoming pregnant. Additionally, parents may find themselves putting less emphasis on their appearances as their priorities shift and may feel self-conscious about those shifted priorities. This is an experience that birthing parents of all genders may struggle within postpartum. 

Intimacy and Sex

Birthing parents may experience guilt or shame about having a diminished interest in intimacy and sex. They may be feeling like they should be more “into” intimacy or sex with their partner. Or, they may feel as if they’re not giving their partner enough intimate or romantic attention. 

There are many possible reasons that birthing parents may feel less interested in intimacy and sex, including:  

  • Feeling “touched out” or physically overstimulated from caring for their child(ren)
  • Having a traumatic birth that is impacting their relationship with their body
  • Experience of pregnancy and/or birth triggered memories of previous sexual trauma
  • Feeling violated or unheard by medical providers during pregnancy or childbirth 
  • Still healing from the physical effects of giving birth 
  • Experiencing pain during sex because of birth-related circumstances or injury
  • Feeling exhausted from lack of sleep
  • Feeling emotionally disconnected or resentful of their partner 

Traumatic Birth Experience

When births don’t go as expected, birthing parents may feel somehow responsible. For parents with babies in the NICU, feeling a lack of control over their situation may also contribute to intense feelings of guilt and shame.

Household Cleanliness and Visitors

Parents may feel as if their homes should be cleaner or more organized. They may have thoughts such as, “Why can’t I just keep the house clean?” or “People want to come visit the baby, but the house is a mess.” Similarly, parents may experience guilt or shame about feeling too tired to entertain visitors.

The Baby’s Sleep Quality

Many parents experience guilt or shame related to the way their babies are sleeping, where they’re sleeping, how long they’re sleeping, or the process of putting them to sleep. Often, the immense amount of information on the internet about infant sleep combined with the opinions of others fuels this guilt and shame, when in reality, what works best differs baby by baby and family by family. 

The Baby’s Method of Eating

Parents who find that their method(s) of feeding their babies differs from what they expected may experience guilt or shame. Other times, parents may hear messages about how they “should” feed their babies that can foster feelings of guilt and shame. Just as with sleeping, feeding styles, preferences, and solutions can vary greatly between households.

Developmental Milestones

Parents sometimes feel guilty or ashamed when their children don’t meet developmental milestones exactly “on time.” The societal narrative around parenthood largely holds parents responsible for exposing their children to enriching activities, propagating the thought pattern of, “If my child isn’t meeting milestones, it’s because I’m not doing enough for their development.”

Caretaker Burnout

Parents may feel guilty about experiencing exhaustion and boredom around caretaking for their child(ren) and jealous if their partner returns to work outside the home. Throughout their day, a parent staying home may not have the opportunity to talk to anyone but small children. If they have an infant, they may not even have a chance to speak with anyone all day. 

Parenting Responses

When reacting to their children, such as in soothing, bonding, or setting limits, parents may experience guilt about making any mistakes, not feeling present enough, or feeling irritable. 

STRATEGIES FOR MITIGATING “MOM GUILT”

When experiencing feelings of guilt and shame as a parent, it can be beneficial to approach parenting with self-compassion by extending yourself the same kindness you would to others. Consider the strategies below for managing “mom guilt” and shame, while also knowing that perfection is impossible and doing your best is enough. 

  • Make yourself aware: Seriously examine the cultural messages about parenting you’re exposed to, and recognize when you’re telling yourself what you “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing.
  • Sleep and eat: Prioritize your sleep and nutritional needs however possible. When you’re well-rested and nourished, you can be more present for your child, which is the most enriching element for their development. 
  • Be honest: Communicate openly with your partner about how you’re feeling physically and emotionally. Together, explore ways that your partner can support you, including giving you more time to be ready for intimacy. If you’re a single parent, make sure to be honest with your friends, family, and support system about the state of your mental well-being. That way, they can know how to best assist you in navigating single parenthood.
  • Try an alternative self-care practice: Activities such as postnatal yoga and pelvic floor physical therapy can help the muscles of the pelvic floor return to normal functioning post-partum. 
  • Learn more about your sexuality: The book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski is an excellent resource for exploring intimacy-related challenges. 
  • Forgive yourself for feeling less present with your baby: Know that your bond with your baby is strengthened over the course of many interactions together. The connection can’t be broken just because you feel less present than you typically do at times.
  • Process your birth story: It can be helpful to speak with a trusted person or professional about your pregnancy and birth experience to gain a better understanding of how the experience affected you. 
  • Ask questions: If there are aspects of your pregnancy care or birth experience that you’d like more information about from your provider, know that you’re always entitled to ask those questions.
  • Consider community support groups: Attending a parent support group can help normalize the guilt and shame you may be feeling and can allow you to foster meaningful connections with others who can relate and empathize. Thrive Wellness Reno offers a weekly virtual perinatal mental health support group to help parents confidentiality embrace their roles. 
  • Resist the urge to isolate: Speaking with people you trust can help validate your emotions while providing you with a more compassionate perspective. 
  • Consider seeking mental health treatment: A therapist can guide you in processing your experience, normalizing your feelings, and reducing the intensity of your symptoms. 

MENTAL, BEHAVIORAL, AND PRIMARY HEALTH CARE FOR PARENTS AT THRIVE

At Thrive, we specialize in perinatal mental, behavioral, and medical care. Our perinatal experts can support your parenting journey through psychiatry, therapy, medical care, as well as nutrition and movement support so you can approach parenting with self-compassion, empowerment, and excitement. Our health care services for parents vary by location. Reach out to learn more about our offerings. 

About the Author 

Thrive Reno Therapist Ann Edgington, LCSW

Ann Edgington, LCSW, is originally from Chicago, Illinois, and received her master’s degree in social work from Loyola University Chicago. For nearly a decade, she has been working with children, families, and adults who have experienced trauma. Currently, Ann also supports adults and family systems who are experiencing perinatal mood and anxiety disorders.

Her background in infant and early childhood mental health combined with previous roles as a health educator, child welfare case manager, and clinical social worker in middle and high schools led her to further explore family and perinatal work. She has completed training and national rostering in Child-Parent Psychotherapy (CPP) and is currently working to obtain a certification in perinatal mental health (PMH-C). Ann is passionate about working with children and adults to process life experiences, explore how trauma lives in the body, and heal relationships through attachment-focused and evidence-based practices. With compassion, she helps children, parents, and caregivers with issues of attachment, parenting, and children’s mental well-being.

Download our free wellness guide.

Discover the power of small, sustainable changes with "How to Thrive: 10 Simple Habits for Healthy Living." This guide offers practical, easy-to-follow habits that promote physical, mental, and emotional well-being.

January 16, 2025
Support groups serve as a critical resource for those seeking a sense of community while navigating life's challenges. The benefits of support groups extend beyond the mere sharing of experiences; these groups provide valuable emotional support, foster a sense of community, and enhance mental wellbeing. In this blog post, we will explore what support groups are, how to find the right one for you, the various benefits they offer, and specific options available here at Thrive Wellness. What is a Support Group and How Can It Help Me? A support group is an organized gathering of people who share similar experiences or challenges, providing a space to find mutual support and understanding. These groups are safe and confidential spaces where participants can express their feelings, share personal stories, and receive emotional support from others who understand their unique struggles. Support groups are also powerful tools for reducing the feelings of isolation that can come with a challenging or traumatizing experience or being diagnosed with a mental health disorder. When you come together in the clinical setting, you can share experiences and gain unique insights from others. This sense of belonging often leads to improved mental wellbeing, as participants feel less alone in their struggles. Through the shared wisdom of the group and a therapist, members can learn important skills like coping strategies, gain encouragement, and develop a stronger sense of community and support. The collective strength that can come from these shared experiences contributes to personal growth, allowing attendees to thrive in their everyday lives. How Do I Find a Support Group That is Right for Me? Finding the right support group for you is essential to getting the most out of your experience. You can begin by researching local groups that align with your specific support needs and interests. Consider the focus of a group and whether it fits with the challenges you face. Healthcare professionals, therapists, or counselors can provide tailored recommendations and guide you to potential options. It's also important to consider logistical factors such as location, meeting frequency, and whether the group meets in-person or virtually. At Thrive, our admissions process for groups involves a 30 minute meeting with a group leader prior to joining to ensure that you are a suitable fit. What Are the Benefits of Support Groups? Support groups provide a multitude of benefits to help improve your emotional, mental, and social wellness. 1. Safe space for expressing emotions Support groups offer a safe environment where you can express your feelings and share experiences with others facing similar challenges with the assurance of confidentiality. This sense of emotional support is crucial if you are working though complex emotions, hardships, or trauma. 2. Sense of belonging and community Support groups help you to build a stronger sense of community. Through joining, participants can experience reduced feelings of isolation, knowing they are not alone in their struggles. 3. Exchange of advice and strategies Groups are great avenues for sharing knowledge, allowing members to exchange practical advice and coping strategies specific to their shared situations. In addition, therapists guide growth and provide practical strategies to help deal with challenges as they lead support groups. 4. Enhanced coping mechanisms Regular participation in groups can significantly improve your coping skills, enhancing your ability to manage anxieties and challenges associated with your experience or condition. Therapists are trained in teaching their groups effective coping skills specific to their needs. 5. Motivation for personal goals Groups provide a network of support, encouragement and motivation where attendees can cheer each other on in achieving their shared goals. Other group members can hold you accountable in pursuing your personal goals and staying on track with your treatment plan. What Support Groups Does Thrive Wellness Offer? Thrive Wellness offers a variety of support groups tailored to people's unique needs, ensuring comprehensive emotional and mental health support. Each support group is facilitated by experienced professionals offering guidance over the course of a group session. Groups being offered now at Thrive include a Perinatal Mental Health Support Group , a Social Anxiety Skills Group , a Body Image Skills Group , and a Teen Body Image Skills Group . Our admission process for groups is as follows: An individual therapist will submit a referral, then our client experience team will reach out to you to schedule a 30 minute group intake meeting with the group leader to ensure that you are an appropriate fit for the group. From there, you are admitted and scheduled to the group. All groups cost $50 for cash pay, however copays are collected when insurance is billed. Finding Strength Through Connection Support groups offer powerful benefits, making them a vital resource for those seeking emotional and mental support. Whether you are exploring what a support group is, searching for the right one for your needs, or looking into our specific offerings here at Thrive Wellness, the impact of these groups is real. By connecting with those who share similar experiences as you, you can find comfort, strength, and a renewed sense of hope, empowering you to face life's challenges with a team of people on your side.
January 9, 2025
Even if you look forward to the ski season all year, can't wait to read a good book by a crackling fireplace, and count down the days until you can frolic through fresh snow, you can also experience seasonal affective disorder or the winter blues. Dreary winter days stuck indoors can make it difficult for many to summon their natural cheerfulness, gratitude, and enthusiasm for life. This shift in mood may be confusing, especially if you're typically captivated by wintertime wonders. As the nights lengthen, days shorten, temperatures drop, and storm clouds block the sun, your mood can darken too. Essentially, the changing patterns of sunlight can disrupt your circadian rhythm (a kind of biological clock that influences your sleepiness and wakefulness patterns) and hormonal balance. Two conditions commonly develop during the winter: the winter blues and seasonal affective disorder (SAD), recently designated Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) with a Seasonal Pattern . Below, you can explore the differences between the winter blues and SAD, and find strategies to boost your mood and reclaim your motivation during the winter season. What Are the Winter Blues? Individuals struggling with the winter blues generally experience feelings of sadness, fatigue, and loneliness attributed to bleak winter weather. Although not considered a mental disorder, the winter blues may cause you to feel like a gloomy, less motivated version of yourself, while still being able to participate in and enjoy daily activities. Symptoms of the Winter Blues Feeling sad or down during the winter months Decreased motivation or energy Changes or difficulty with sleeping Causes of the Winter Blues Cold weather Shorter days, longer nights Decrease or change in exposure to sunlight and vitamin D production Risk Factors for the Winter Blues Lack of connection to community and social interactions History of depression or anxiety Environmental considerations (such as living in a climate that experiences particularly long or harsh winters) What is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)? Also known as seasonal depression, SAD or MDD with a Seasonal Pattern is a subtype of major depressive disorder that interferes with a persons ability to engage in everyday life and find pleasure in activities that typically spark joy. In most cases, a person struggling with SAD will experience depression that begins in the fall or winter and ends in the spring. Less commonly, individuals may experience SAD in the summer, possibly brought on by exposure to too much sunlight that can cause sleeplessness, agitation, and anxiety. Symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder Depressed mood or sadness Decreased motivation or energy Hypersomnia (or excessive sleepiness and oversleeping) Eating beyond fullness Weight gain Loss of interest in hobbies or activities that usually evoke happiness Social isolation and withdrawal Increased feelings of agitation or irritability Difficulty concentrating Sense of hopelessness Suicidal thoughts Causes of Seasonal Affective Disorder Decrease or change in exposure to sunlight and vitamin D production, resulting in: Changes in circadian rhythm (disruption to your body's internal clock) Hormonal fluctuation, including imbalances of serotonin and melatonin Risk Factors for Seasonal Affective Disorder History of depression or anxiety Genetic factors Environmental considerations (such as living in a climate that experiences particularly long or harsh winters, resulting in decreased social interactions and activity) Ways to Boost Your Mood During Wintertime You can fight the winter blues and wrap yourself in warmth by incorporating some of the self-care strategies below into your wintertime routine. Eat intuitively. The way you nourish your body is directly connected to your mental health , but shorter days may disrupt breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack time routines. By listening to your fullness and hunger cues, while also eating an array of foods consistently and adequately, you can promote your well-being including your emotional health. Move mindfully. Allowing yourself the time and space to move intentionally can do wonders for your mind-body-spirit connection. Research shows that mindful movement can help lower stress and anxiety in addition to relieving depression and improving overall mood. Commit to a consistent sleep and wake routine. By going to bed and waking up at the same times every day, you can practice good sleep hygiene , which can help you regulate your emotions effectively and promote overall well-being. Spend time outdoors in the sun. Sunlight promotes the body's vitamin D production and vitamin D is believed to affect the regulation of the feel-good hormone serotonin. By doing your best to soak up the sunshine when it graces the sky, you can help foster feelings of happiness. Maintain connections with family and friends. Loved ones can infuse dismal winter days and long winter nights with laughter, companionship, and a sense of belonging. Participate in service projects and other community activities . Offering your time to individuals in need and enveloping yourself in your community can bring you a sense of purpose, meaning, and connection. Your presence can light up the lives of others, making you feel good in turn. For more habits that create a well-balanced lifestyle and improve your mental and physical health, download our free guide "How to Thrive." Clinical Treatment for the Winter Blues and SAD If your sadness, lethargy, or other depressive symptoms begin to impair your daily functioning or extend beyond the season, we encourage you to speak with a healthcare provider. Licensed professionals can guide you in developing coping skills, reducing your depressive symptoms, and increasing your resiliency and motivation. In some cases, you may be prescribed light therapy or antidepressants to ease symptoms. You deserve to feel wonderful any time of year, and through outpatient therapy , Thrive can help you embrace the winter season with joy. Reach out to us to learn more. This blog post was originally posted December 22, 2021
January 2, 2025
Ah, New Year’s resolutions. The moment January 1 rolls around, it feels like everyone is armed with a laundry list of goals: lose weight, save money, drink more water, learn to play a new instrument. While these aspirations might look great on paper, the truth is they often come with a side of unnecessary pressure—and let’s be real, most of us abandon them by February anyway. This year, let’s flip the script. Instead of piling on more goals, how about taking a breath and reflecting on everything you’ve already accomplished? Trust me, there’s a better way to approach the new year without the stress of rigid resolutions. Why Resolutions Often Fall Flat The tradition of setting resolutions can feel exciting, but it’s easy to fall into the trap of overdoing it. We create lists of lofty goals, expecting ourselves to magically transform overnight. But what happens when life gets messy, work gets busy, or we simply don’t have the energy to crush it every day? The result is usually guilt, frustration, and a sense of failure—not exactly the motivational vibe we were aiming for. The problem with traditional resolutions is that they often overlook the importance of realistic planning and self-reflection. Instead of motivating us, they can pile onto the stress we’re already carrying. Give Yourself Permission to Pause Let’s start 2025 differently. Instead of asking yourself what you need to do, take a moment to consider what you’ve already done. Acknowledge the challenges you’ve navigated and the wins—big or small—that brought you here. This shift isn’t about giving up on growth or change; it’s about embracing a more compassionate, flexible approach to your well-being. Reflect on Your Wins From 2024 Before you set any intentions for 2025, pause and reflect on the year that’s just passed. Here are some questions to guide your thoughts: • What were my biggest wins from 2024? Celebrate the moments that made you proud. Maybe it was a professional milestone or simply surviving a tough season. Wins don’t have to be monumental to be meaningful. • What relationships were most meaningful to me? Think about the people who supported you, made you laugh, or helped you grow. How can you nurture those connections in the year ahead? • What surprised me most about 2024? Life has a way of throwing curveballs. Reflecting on how you adapted can help you appreciate your resilience and prepare for the unexpected. • What should I say “no” to? What would I like to say “yes” to? Sometimes, the key to growth is learning what no longer serves you. Saying “no” to draining commitments makes space for the things that truly light you up. • What am I most proud of and grateful for? Gratitude is a powerful tool for shifting perspective. Take time to appreciate the moments, people, and experiences that enriched your life. Start 2025 With Intention The beauty of reflection is that it allows us to set intentions that feel authentic and achievable. Instead of chasing resolutions rooted in perfection, focus on growth, gratitude, and balance. This year, let’s give ourselves permission to start small and prioritize what truly matters. Take a Self-Care Step With Our “Breathe Easy” Guide If you’re looking for a gentle way to begin 2025, our free Breathe Easy guide is the perfect place to start. It’s packed with simple breathing exercises designed to help you reduce stress, refocus your mind, and find a sense of calm—no matter how chaotic life feels. Download it today and give yourself the gift of a fresh start, one deep breath at a time. Let’s make 2025 the year we breathe easier, live more intentionally, and celebrate the progress we’ve already made. You’ve got this!
More Posts

Start your healing journey today

NEXT STEPS

Are you ready to find hope? We can't wait to connect you with the care you need. To get started with us, please reach out using the link below.   

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Learn more →

Perinatal

Mental Health

Learn more →

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Learn more →

Perinatal

Mental Health

Learn more →
Share by: