Guilt and shame are widely experienced by caregivers of children. In a study of 2000 American parents , participants reported feeling an average of 23 pangs of guilt every single week, and 75 percent reported feeling pressure to be “perfect” from friends, family, and social media. Another study showed that compared to non-parents, parents are more likely to feel guilty about allowing themselves time for self-care. In a society that places immense expectations on parents, guilt and shame can cause caregivers to doubt their decision-making and neglect their own well-being.
Although the term “mom guilt” singles out moms — likely due to societal norms that hold moms as the primary caregivers to their children — guilt and shame are common emotions that parents of all genders can and do experience. In this blog, we’ve used the well-known term “mom guilt” to describe any parental feelings of guilt and shame that can be felt by all caregivers, regardless of gender.
Further, people who identify specifically as moms aren’t by any means the only individuals that can face the circumstances outlined in this blog, and neither are they the only ones who can benefit from our suggestions for mitigating guilt and shame. We hope this is a resource that can provide helpful insight to all parents and caregivers.
Caring deeply for their children and wanting the absolute best for them, almost all parents experience some level of guilt related to their caretaker roles. Parenting is overwhelming as is, but the pressure is only made worse by the current culture of parenting which can be highly judgemental, full of conflicting information, and often leaves little space for self-compassion and self-care — a perfect equation for feelings of guilt and shame.
In my clinical practice, many of my clients express just as much shame around being a mom as they do guilt. Guilt is feeling as if you did something bad, shame is feeling as if you are bad. When a person experiences shame, they may mistakenly feel that they’re inadequate as a parent.
Sources of “mom guilt” and shame may be internally-fueled by expectations one had for themself before becoming a parent or externally-based on outside opinions and expectations.
Left unaddressed, guilt and shame can become so cumbersome that they impact parents’ abilities to manage activities of daily living and intensify any other mental, behavioral, and physical health struggles.
The challenges of adapting to parenthood are unique for each individual. As one assumes a new or renewed role in caring for their child(ren), it’s realistic to experience guilt and shame, especially while navigating the natural shift in priorities, energy reserves, and stress levels. As evidenced below, there are many circumstances that may evoke feelings of guilt and shame for parents as they assume new and different responsibilities.
Many parents feel guilty about not being as available or attentive to their relationships as they were before the birth of their babies. These relationships may include:
Birthing parents also commonly feel guilty or ashamed about not looking a certain way both during and after pregnancy. There are many culturally misleading messages about what a “healthy” pregnant and postpartum body should look like. Many individuals have been exposed to these messages long before becoming pregnant. Additionally, parents may find themselves putting less emphasis on their appearances as their priorities shift and may feel self-conscious about those shifted priorities. This is an experience that birthing parents of all genders may struggle within postpartum.
Birthing parents may experience guilt or shame about having a diminished interest in intimacy and sex. They may be feeling like they should be more “into” intimacy or sex with their partner. Or, they may feel as if they’re not giving their partner enough intimate or romantic attention.
When births don’t go as expected, birthing parents may feel somehow responsible. For parents with babies in the NICU, feeling a lack of control over their situation may also contribute to intense feelings of guilt and shame.
Parents may feel as if their homes should be cleaner or more organized. They may have thoughts such as, “Why can’t I just keep the house clean?” or “People want to come visit the baby, but the house is a mess.” Similarly, parents may experience guilt or shame about feeling too tired to entertain visitors.
Many parents experience guilt or shame related to the way their babies are sleeping, where they’re sleeping, how long they’re sleeping, or the process of putting them to sleep. Often, the immense amount of information on the internet about infant sleep combined with the opinions of others fuels this guilt and shame, when in reality, what works best differs baby by baby and family by family.
Parents who find that their method(s) of feeding their babies differs from what they expected may experience guilt or shame. Other times, parents may hear messages about how they “should” feed their babies that can foster feelings of guilt and shame. Just as with sleeping, feeding styles, preferences, and solutions can vary greatly between households.
Parents sometimes feel guilty or ashamed when their children don’t meet developmental milestones exactly “on time.” The societal narrative around parenthood largely holds parents responsible for exposing their children to enriching activities, propagating the thought pattern of, “If my child isn’t meeting milestones, it’s because I’m not doing enough for their development.”
Parents may feel guilty about experiencing exhaustion and boredom around caretaking for their child(ren) and jealous if their partner returns to work outside the home. Throughout their day, a parent staying home may not have the opportunity to talk to anyone but small children. If they have an infant, they may not even have a chance to speak with anyone all day.
When reacting to their children, such as in soothing, bonding, or setting limits, parents may experience guilt about making any mistakes, not feeling present enough, or feeling irritable.
When experiencing feelings of guilt and shame as a parent, it can be beneficial to approach parenting with self-compassion by extending yourself the same kindness you would to others. Consider the strategies below for managing “mom guilt” and shame, while also knowing that perfection is impossible and doing your best is enough.
At Thrive, we specialize in perinatal mental, behavioral, and medical care. Our perinatal experts can support your parenting journey through psychiatry, therapy, medical care, as well as nutrition and movement support so you can approach parenting with self-compassion, empowerment, and excitement. Our health care services for parents vary by location. Reach out to learn more about our offerings.
Ann Edgington, LCSW, is originally from Chicago, Illinois, and received her master’s degree in social work from Loyola University Chicago. For nearly a decade, she has been working with children, families, and adults who have experienced trauma. Currently, Ann also supports adults and family systems who are experiencing perinatal mood and anxiety disorders.
Her background in infant and early childhood mental health combined with previous roles as a health educator, child welfare case manager, and clinical social worker in middle and high schools led her to further explore family and perinatal work. She has completed training and national rostering in Child-Parent Psychotherapy (CPP) and is currently working to obtain a certification in perinatal mental health (PMH-C). Ann is passionate about working with children and adults to process life experiences, explore how trauma lives in the body, and heal relationships through attachment-focused and evidence-based practices. With compassion, she helps children, parents, and caregivers with issues of attachment, parenting, and children’s mental well-being.
The post Managing “Mom Guilt” and Practicing Self-Forgiveness as a Parent first appeared on Thrive Wellness.
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