Tips and Tricks for Adjusting to New Parenthood: Your Therapist’s Expectations vs. Your Reality as a New Parent

Thrive • May 18, 2021

By Amanda Boe, PMAD Program Clinical Lead and Therapist at Thrive

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL

Just get through the day. This has been a mantra that I’ve held on to quite tightly throughout my pregnancy and post-partum. My daughter is six months old and after experiencing three miscarriages prior to her, the only thing I was focused on was staying pregnant. So much so that I didn’t “nest” much or prepare my heart at all for the changes that were going to occur. 

Most of the time I feel like I’m stumbling through the day. Well actually, I quite literally am stumbling like a drunk because I’ve had maybe 45 minutes of sleep (while my husband rested peacefully) and my body and circulation have changed! (Nobody told me that). With my feet throbbing on pins and needles, I rock and carry my baby who only wants me to hold her or stay within her line of sight. This is how we finish laundry, emails and this blog. Honestly more times than I’d like to admit, I have bumped my daughter’s head on our washer as I’m leaning in to transfer clothes. 

This is it. This is motherhood. I question every single move I make. I wonder if people think I look awkward with my daughter. People call me a professional because I work with children, parents, and their RELATIONSHIPS, but honestly, I barely have a clue what I’m doing with my own. I wonder what my daughter thinks of me — poor thing may think it’s normal for mamas to have to look up everything on the internet before we try a new food. 

I’ve often relied on my own mother, coworkers and mama friends to provide me with validation and insight while navigating motherhood. But when I text that mama friend about seeing things on the internet and asking her opinion, she kindly laughs it off and reminds me we are all struggling. That’s the input I need — I need to know I’m not the only one. Through this blog, I hope to shine a light on how the ethereal expectations of motherhood differ from the messy reality. 

With this goal in mind, I asked some of my most valued mama friends who are also my coworkers to help normalize motherhood struggles and their responses were GOLD. 

I’ll go first.

ADVICE FROM AMANDA

Amanda Boe, PMAD Program Clinical Lead and Therapist at Thrive

The struggle: Adjusting to balancing work and motherhood

  • My advice as a therapist: It’s important to recognize that your identity can be in both your career and motherhood. Fostering and finding your sense of self is important while your systems change. My hope is that my relationship with myself is benefited by holding both roles.  
  • My experience as a parent: It’s not balancing. It’s holding so many things at once and if you drop one thing, you drop it all. But also don’t offer to take something off my plate because I don’t want to miss anything. The real balance is between FOMO and mom guilt. 

 

ADVICE FROM ANN 

Ann Edinton, LCSW, Therapist at Thrive

Here’s what my colleague, fellow mama, and friend, Ann Edgington, LCSW, had to say about parenting expectations vs. reality — 

The struggle: Waking up throughout the night and the resulting sleep deprivation

  • My advice as a therapist: Sleeping through the night is a developmental milestone similar to walking and talking. There are things you can do to help your child along, but ultimately they’re going to reach those milestones on their own, regardless of what you do. The part of their life when they are waking multiple times per night is very short in the whole picture of their life and certainly in the picture of their life in your care. Surround yourself with help. This can include support from family and friends, a night doula, or even a sleep consultant if that fits your style. Know that this too shall pass, and 3 a.m. is a great time to remember there are millions of others like you up at the exact same time for the exact same reason. 
  • My experience as a parent: Sleep when the baby sleeps, and clean when the baby cleans, amiright ? There’s the physical exhaustion of sleep deprivation but then there’s the exhaustion of just general parenthood (and parenthood in a pandemic and parenthood in America), which is next level and goes beyond just being sleepy. My kid’s morning smiles seem to wipe that out until the next night at 3 a.m. What a rollercoaster. 

The struggle: Baby and toddler meltdowns

  • My advice as a therapist: Humans are not born with coping skills or emotional or verbal processing skills, and all of these skills are vital to navigating conflict in our world. It’s our job as adults to take care of ourselves so that we can remain regulated enough to help our little ones through upsets and meltdowns. It’s so important to curate your environment so that you have the support you need to keep calm as you make your way through the meltdowns. 
  • My experience as a parent: All of the stuff you thought you had such a great handle on before the baby will come for you in the night, and the day, and several moments in between. You will have moments when you need to go sit in the room on the other side of the house so that you don’t hear your toddler screaming bloody murder because your partner is (God forbid) trying to wash the yogurt out of his hair in the bath. It’s not about eliminating those moments altogether, but continuing to put one foot in front of the other when those moments happen and knowing that it is not humanly possible for them to scream forever…right?

The struggle: Stressful mealtimes and feeding issues

  • My advice as a therapist : It’s your job as the parent to decide when meal and snack times happen and what is on the menu; it is your child’s job to decide what to eat and how much of it. There are wonderful, evidence-based, and nonjudgemental resources in our community and online regarding lactation support, reflux, baby-led weaning, food allergies, and picky eating — among other feeding topics. It is developmentally typical for children to experience pickiness as they begin to differentiate themselves from others. 
  • My experience as a parent: Some of the best food advice I got was from my dad. He said, “Babies and dogs are similar in that they’ll eat when they’re hungry and they’ll poop when they’re full.” Except he didn’t say poop. The wisdom of our elders…

The struggle: Intimacy during postpartum

  • My advice as a therapist : Once the baby is born you are not going to have the time or energy to stay up late and hash out money, sex, and communication conflicts like you did pre-baby. So take the time before the baby comes to talk about how you talk about these things, that way, you have a common language to fall back on once you need to. Read Come As You Are together. Consider couples counseling, before or after the baby. Consider pelvic floor physical therapy and/or individual mental health support as you relearn what your body needs and is comfortable with postpartum. It is so important that your partner understands that comfort with intimacy postpartum is so much more than that six-week clearance from your provider.  
  • My experience as a parent: Everyone told me, “Oh your relationship will change so much after the baby.” And I thought, — Nope not us. We’re bffs forever no matter what. HA. I really feel like the adrenaline of childbirth didn’t wear off until like six months postpartum, so intimacy at first felt fun because I still felt just as close to my dood then as I did when I was pregnant…and then it felt like the bottom fell out and I was a stranger in my own body. Pelvic floor physical therapy was LIFE CHANGING for so many reasons; intimacy was just one thing on that list. It helped me find my way back to myself, which was something I was not prepared to need to do. And now every Beyonce and Dolly Parton lady ballad hits even harder than it did before.

The struggle: Going back to work

  • My advice as a therapist : Going back to work can trigger intense and confusing feelings, which are all normal. Explore with your employer what supports or accommodations might be available to you as you make this adjustment. For example, with regard to scheduling, chest feeding if that applies to you, or sick leave when needed. Talk with your partner or co-parenting caregivers about how the division of labor might change at home related to getting out the door in the morning and prepping for the next day in the evening. Seek mental health support to process how you’re feeling about going back. 
  • My experience as a parent: Death to the martyr mom narrative! Reject the narrative that you should feel guilt or, dare I say, that you should miss your babies 100 percent of the time when you’re not with them. NO. It’s healthy to separate yourself. It allows you to recharge yourself and be the kind of parent you know you want to be when you come back to them, and it widens the circle of people who love and care for them, which benefits you both. Trust your gut; when it’s time to fill your individual cup you will know, just like your parent gut tells you when it’s time to hug your babes close. 

ADVICE FROM ANDREA

Andrea Thompson, APRN, FNP-C, PMHNP-BC, Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner at Thrive

The struggle: Waking up throughout the night and the resulting sleep deprivation

  • My advice as a nurse : It is extremely important to discuss with your partner, support system and healthcare team how you can feasibly care for your baby and also get adequate rest. Inadequate sleep can be an exacerbating factor that may significantly influence your mental health which makes this topic even more important. Have these discussions prior to delivery, get a game plan, and then be flexible with your plan to ensure that you and your family can get much-needed rest. Some strategies may be to involve your partner in midnight feedings by getting you snacks/water, taking turns with feedings whenever possible, and being sure to discuss with your healthcare provider any barriers that may arise such as anxiety, infant feeding concerns, and safe sleeping practices with your infant. 
  • My experience as a parent: There may be times that you look across the room when you are up at 3 a.m. feeding your baby, stare at your partner and think, why do men even have nipples? Useless breasts! Some days you may not even know how you are functioning on such little sleep. (I have been through college several times and I can tell you that those ‘all nighters’ were nothing!) But with the right support, and the right mom friend to text at 3 a.m. who will allow you to laugh at the moments like when you realize you have forgotten to change your shirt for three days, you will get through this; it’s temporary. And that shirt is FASHION. 

The struggle: Baby and toddler meltdowns

  • My advice as a nurse : It is normal for babies and toddlers to respond in ways that can be difficult for their parents and caregivers to navigate. As their brain is developing rapidly and they are learning the world at a fast pace, the result can often be what we perceive as meltdowns as they learn to communicate how they feel. It is best to respond with patience and to validate their feelings. If you do have concerns regarding your children’s temperament or development, it is always a good idea to discuss with their pediatrician. They can also discuss safety precautions with you, especially when it comes to your infant/baby response. 
  • My experience as a parent: Oh for heaven’s sake, it’ll always happen in the middle of the park, in front of every other mom and it will most certainly be over the snacks you brought that were WRONG. Or if you are lucky, it will even include more than one of your children bickering with each other over the one and only stuffy we own, amiright ? Sometimes you just gotta ignore it, walk away and say out loud, whose kids are those!? If you vow to give the Hunger Games whistle and hand signal to any other mom going through the same thing, we all gonna be alright. 

The struggle: Always feeling needed by your child and never having any alone time

  • My advice as a nurse : It can be incredibly suffocating to always feel needed and/or ‘touched-out’ by our children and family. It can feel chaotic just to get through your daily routines and often moms feel as though they have little to no time for themselves. It’s important to prioritize time for yourself even if just for a short walk. It’s also important to be able to recognize if we need more assistance trying to process our feelings and emotions surrounding this topic. Tools for this could include attending a local moms’ group or perhaps considering individual or couples therapy to learn how to better communicate your needs. 
  • My experience as a parent: Ever hide in the bathroom? Does that count as meditation? 

The struggle: Intimacy during postpartum

  • My advice as a nurse : It can be intimidating to consider being intimate post-delivery, no matter who you deliver. It is also important to consider your future family planning and discuss with your care provider what your plans may be to prevent pregnancy if you so choose. It is not normal to feel pain while being intimate so be sure to discuss any concerns with your healthcare provider. 
  • My experience as a parent: That’s gonna be a no from me…

The struggle: Going back to work

  • My advice as a nurse : Some birthing people can feel anxious to return to work while others may feel guilty that they are eager to flee the nest. Whatever your feelings surrounding this may be, be sure to talk with your care provider about how they can help you with your mental health. It’s also important to plan ahead if you can talk with your employer about how they can make this transition more seamless and to your partner/support system on how they will be able to help as well.
  • My experience as a parent: I used to joke, when you get pregnant, you tell your partner, and then your child care provider. The list is LONG. I don’t like to think of the term balance there. It implies I am always trying not to fall. Each time I have returned to work postpartum, I have felt like I may fall on my face. I have cried in cars while I pumped and I have also gleefully dropped off my kiddo to head to work…what a roller coaster. I’ll save you a seat. 

About the Authors

AMANDA BOE — PMAD Program Clinical Lead and Therapist

Amanda Boe earned her master’s degree in counseling from the University of Nevada, Reno. She has over nine years of experience working with children, individuals and families who have experienced trauma. Her experience also includes working with clients who live with perinatal mood disorders, anxiety, and depression. Amanda is passionate about healing relationships among families and unresolved trauma using evidence-based practices. She is certified in Child Parent Psychotherapy. Amanda offers individual, couples, and family therapy.

ANN EDGINGTON, LCSW — Therapist

Ann Edgington, LCSW, is originally from Chicago, Illinois and received her master’s degree in social work from Loyola University Chicago. Ann has been working with children, families, and adults who have experienced trauma for eight years. She found her way to infant and early childhood mental health treatment through her previous experience as a health educator, child welfare case manager, and clinical social worker in middle and high schools. She is currently completing training to become certified in Child-Parent Psychotherapy (CPP) as well as a certification in perinatal mental health (PMH-C). Ann is passionate about working with adults and children to process life experiences, explore how trauma lives in the body, and heal relationships through attachment-focused and evidence-based practices. In her free time, Ann enjoys cooking, baking, and hiking.

ANDREA THOMPSON, APRN — Perinatal Mental Health Nurse Practitioner

Andrea Thompson, APRN is a Nurse Practitioner whose background has stemmed in primary care, primarily working with under-served and under-insured populations. In early 2019, she started a program the first of its kind in Northern Nevada to integrate mental health services into a women’s health/OBGYN practice where she had a focus on perinatal mood and anxiety disorder diagnosis and treatment. She has completed certificate training with Postpartum Support International and is near complete with her Postmasters Certification as a Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner.  As a postpartum depression survivor herself, she has a passion for helping other women throughout their journey to mental wellness. She and her husband moved to the Reno area several years ago from Seattle, WA to settle into a place to raise their family; they have two young boys. Aside from spending time with her family outdoors, Andrea is also active in the efforts to improve the sexual health education offered to the youth in our community as well as advocating at the state level to support Nurse Practitioner autonomy and Maternal Mental Health. 

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January 16, 2025
Support groups serve as a critical resource for those seeking a sense of community while navigating life's challenges. The benefits of support groups extend beyond the mere sharing of experiences; these groups provide valuable emotional support, foster a sense of community, and enhance mental wellbeing. In this blog post, we will explore what support groups are, how to find the right one for you, the various benefits they offer, and specific options available here at Thrive Wellness. What is a Support Group and How Can It Help Me? A support group is an organized gathering of people who share similar experiences or challenges, providing a space to find mutual support and understanding. These groups are safe and confidential spaces where participants can express their feelings, share personal stories, and receive emotional support from others who understand their unique struggles. Support groups are also powerful tools for reducing the feelings of isolation that can come with a challenging or traumatizing experience or being diagnosed with a mental health disorder. When you come together in the clinical setting, you can share experiences and gain unique insights from others. This sense of belonging often leads to improved mental wellbeing, as participants feel less alone in their struggles. Through the shared wisdom of the group and a therapist, members can learn important skills like coping strategies, gain encouragement, and develop a stronger sense of community and support. The collective strength that can come from these shared experiences contributes to personal growth, allowing attendees to thrive in their everyday lives. How Do I Find a Support Group That is Right for Me? Finding the right support group for you is essential to getting the most out of your experience. You can begin by researching local groups that align with your specific support needs and interests. Consider the focus of a group and whether it fits with the challenges you face. Healthcare professionals, therapists, or counselors can provide tailored recommendations and guide you to potential options. It's also important to consider logistical factors such as location, meeting frequency, and whether the group meets in-person or virtually. At Thrive, our admissions process for groups involves a 30 minute meeting with a group leader prior to joining to ensure that you are a suitable fit. What Are the Benefits of Support Groups? Support groups provide a multitude of benefits to help improve your emotional, mental, and social wellness. 1. Safe space for expressing emotions Support groups offer a safe environment where you can express your feelings and share experiences with others facing similar challenges with the assurance of confidentiality. This sense of emotional support is crucial if you are working though complex emotions, hardships, or trauma. 2. Sense of belonging and community Support groups help you to build a stronger sense of community. Through joining, participants can experience reduced feelings of isolation, knowing they are not alone in their struggles. 3. Exchange of advice and strategies Groups are great avenues for sharing knowledge, allowing members to exchange practical advice and coping strategies specific to their shared situations. In addition, therapists guide growth and provide practical strategies to help deal with challenges as they lead support groups. 4. Enhanced coping mechanisms Regular participation in groups can significantly improve your coping skills, enhancing your ability to manage anxieties and challenges associated with your experience or condition. Therapists are trained in teaching their groups effective coping skills specific to their needs. 5. Motivation for personal goals Groups provide a network of support, encouragement and motivation where attendees can cheer each other on in achieving their shared goals. Other group members can hold you accountable in pursuing your personal goals and staying on track with your treatment plan. What Support Groups Does Thrive Wellness Offer? Thrive Wellness offers a variety of support groups tailored to people's unique needs, ensuring comprehensive emotional and mental health support. Each support group is facilitated by experienced professionals offering guidance over the course of a group session. Groups being offered now at Thrive include a Perinatal Mental Health Support Group , a Social Anxiety Skills Group , a Body Image Skills Group , and a Teen Body Image Skills Group . Our admission process for groups is as follows: An individual therapist will submit a referral, then our client experience team will reach out to you to schedule a 30 minute group intake meeting with the group leader to ensure that you are an appropriate fit for the group. From there, you are admitted and scheduled to the group. All groups cost $50 for cash pay, however copays are collected when insurance is billed. Finding Strength Through Connection Support groups offer powerful benefits, making them a vital resource for those seeking emotional and mental support. Whether you are exploring what a support group is, searching for the right one for your needs, or looking into our specific offerings here at Thrive Wellness, the impact of these groups is real. By connecting with those who share similar experiences as you, you can find comfort, strength, and a renewed sense of hope, empowering you to face life's challenges with a team of people on your side.
January 9, 2025
Even if you look forward to the ski season all year, can't wait to read a good book by a crackling fireplace, and count down the days until you can frolic through fresh snow, you can also experience seasonal affective disorder or the winter blues. Dreary winter days stuck indoors can make it difficult for many to summon their natural cheerfulness, gratitude, and enthusiasm for life. This shift in mood may be confusing, especially if you're typically captivated by wintertime wonders. As the nights lengthen, days shorten, temperatures drop, and storm clouds block the sun, your mood can darken too. Essentially, the changing patterns of sunlight can disrupt your circadian rhythm (a kind of biological clock that influences your sleepiness and wakefulness patterns) and hormonal balance. Two conditions commonly develop during the winter: the winter blues and seasonal affective disorder (SAD), recently designated Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) with a Seasonal Pattern . Below, you can explore the differences between the winter blues and SAD, and find strategies to boost your mood and reclaim your motivation during the winter season. What Are the Winter Blues? Individuals struggling with the winter blues generally experience feelings of sadness, fatigue, and loneliness attributed to bleak winter weather. Although not considered a mental disorder, the winter blues may cause you to feel like a gloomy, less motivated version of yourself, while still being able to participate in and enjoy daily activities. Symptoms of the Winter Blues Feeling sad or down during the winter months Decreased motivation or energy Changes or difficulty with sleeping Causes of the Winter Blues Cold weather Shorter days, longer nights Decrease or change in exposure to sunlight and vitamin D production Risk Factors for the Winter Blues Lack of connection to community and social interactions History of depression or anxiety Environmental considerations (such as living in a climate that experiences particularly long or harsh winters) What is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)? Also known as seasonal depression, SAD or MDD with a Seasonal Pattern is a subtype of major depressive disorder that interferes with a persons ability to engage in everyday life and find pleasure in activities that typically spark joy. In most cases, a person struggling with SAD will experience depression that begins in the fall or winter and ends in the spring. Less commonly, individuals may experience SAD in the summer, possibly brought on by exposure to too much sunlight that can cause sleeplessness, agitation, and anxiety. Symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder Depressed mood or sadness Decreased motivation or energy Hypersomnia (or excessive sleepiness and oversleeping) Eating beyond fullness Weight gain Loss of interest in hobbies or activities that usually evoke happiness Social isolation and withdrawal Increased feelings of agitation or irritability Difficulty concentrating Sense of hopelessness Suicidal thoughts Causes of Seasonal Affective Disorder Decrease or change in exposure to sunlight and vitamin D production, resulting in: Changes in circadian rhythm (disruption to your body's internal clock) Hormonal fluctuation, including imbalances of serotonin and melatonin Risk Factors for Seasonal Affective Disorder History of depression or anxiety Genetic factors Environmental considerations (such as living in a climate that experiences particularly long or harsh winters, resulting in decreased social interactions and activity) Ways to Boost Your Mood During Wintertime You can fight the winter blues and wrap yourself in warmth by incorporating some of the self-care strategies below into your wintertime routine. Eat intuitively. The way you nourish your body is directly connected to your mental health , but shorter days may disrupt breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack time routines. By listening to your fullness and hunger cues, while also eating an array of foods consistently and adequately, you can promote your well-being including your emotional health. Move mindfully. Allowing yourself the time and space to move intentionally can do wonders for your mind-body-spirit connection. Research shows that mindful movement can help lower stress and anxiety in addition to relieving depression and improving overall mood. Commit to a consistent sleep and wake routine. By going to bed and waking up at the same times every day, you can practice good sleep hygiene , which can help you regulate your emotions effectively and promote overall well-being. Spend time outdoors in the sun. Sunlight promotes the body's vitamin D production and vitamin D is believed to affect the regulation of the feel-good hormone serotonin. By doing your best to soak up the sunshine when it graces the sky, you can help foster feelings of happiness. Maintain connections with family and friends. Loved ones can infuse dismal winter days and long winter nights with laughter, companionship, and a sense of belonging. Participate in service projects and other community activities . Offering your time to individuals in need and enveloping yourself in your community can bring you a sense of purpose, meaning, and connection. Your presence can light up the lives of others, making you feel good in turn. For more habits that create a well-balanced lifestyle and improve your mental and physical health, download our free guide "How to Thrive." Clinical Treatment for the Winter Blues and SAD If your sadness, lethargy, or other depressive symptoms begin to impair your daily functioning or extend beyond the season, we encourage you to speak with a healthcare provider. Licensed professionals can guide you in developing coping skills, reducing your depressive symptoms, and increasing your resiliency and motivation. In some cases, you may be prescribed light therapy or antidepressants to ease symptoms. You deserve to feel wonderful any time of year, and through outpatient therapy , Thrive can help you embrace the winter season with joy. Reach out to us to learn more. This blog post was originally posted December 22, 2021
January 2, 2025
Ah, New Year’s resolutions. The moment January 1 rolls around, it feels like everyone is armed with a laundry list of goals: lose weight, save money, drink more water, learn to play a new instrument. While these aspirations might look great on paper, the truth is they often come with a side of unnecessary pressure—and let’s be real, most of us abandon them by February anyway. This year, let’s flip the script. Instead of piling on more goals, how about taking a breath and reflecting on everything you’ve already accomplished? Trust me, there’s a better way to approach the new year without the stress of rigid resolutions. Why Resolutions Often Fall Flat The tradition of setting resolutions can feel exciting, but it’s easy to fall into the trap of overdoing it. We create lists of lofty goals, expecting ourselves to magically transform overnight. But what happens when life gets messy, work gets busy, or we simply don’t have the energy to crush it every day? The result is usually guilt, frustration, and a sense of failure—not exactly the motivational vibe we were aiming for. The problem with traditional resolutions is that they often overlook the importance of realistic planning and self-reflection. Instead of motivating us, they can pile onto the stress we’re already carrying. Give Yourself Permission to Pause Let’s start 2025 differently. Instead of asking yourself what you need to do, take a moment to consider what you’ve already done. Acknowledge the challenges you’ve navigated and the wins—big or small—that brought you here. This shift isn’t about giving up on growth or change; it’s about embracing a more compassionate, flexible approach to your well-being. Reflect on Your Wins From 2024 Before you set any intentions for 2025, pause and reflect on the year that’s just passed. Here are some questions to guide your thoughts: • What were my biggest wins from 2024? Celebrate the moments that made you proud. Maybe it was a professional milestone or simply surviving a tough season. Wins don’t have to be monumental to be meaningful. • What relationships were most meaningful to me? Think about the people who supported you, made you laugh, or helped you grow. How can you nurture those connections in the year ahead? • What surprised me most about 2024? Life has a way of throwing curveballs. Reflecting on how you adapted can help you appreciate your resilience and prepare for the unexpected. • What should I say “no” to? What would I like to say “yes” to? Sometimes, the key to growth is learning what no longer serves you. Saying “no” to draining commitments makes space for the things that truly light you up. • What am I most proud of and grateful for? Gratitude is a powerful tool for shifting perspective. Take time to appreciate the moments, people, and experiences that enriched your life. Start 2025 With Intention The beauty of reflection is that it allows us to set intentions that feel authentic and achievable. Instead of chasing resolutions rooted in perfection, focus on growth, gratitude, and balance. This year, let’s give ourselves permission to start small and prioritize what truly matters. Take a Self-Care Step With Our “Breathe Easy” Guide If you’re looking for a gentle way to begin 2025, our free Breathe Easy guide is the perfect place to start. It’s packed with simple breathing exercises designed to help you reduce stress, refocus your mind, and find a sense of calm—no matter how chaotic life feels. Download it today and give yourself the gift of a fresh start, one deep breath at a time. Let’s make 2025 the year we breathe easier, live more intentionally, and celebrate the progress we’ve already made. You’ve got this!
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